Florida’s Local News: The Current Top 10

Florida!

Likely to become my favorite series, Florida’s Local News TOP 10 is my monthly, bi-monthly, or possibly weekly TOP 10 recap of the best local news headlines in Florida that month, couple of weeks, week, few days, or that day. You never know!

My heart justs melts every time I read the phrase “Florida Man” or “Florida Woman” in the news. I always know there’s something really special to follow.

MY CURRENT TOP 10:

1. THIS HERE DEER GONE AND GOT IT’S DANG HEAD STUCK IN A DORITOS BAG. JESUS WILLY CHRIST!

It’s just another Florida 911-Emergency!

Deer Bag Head

FOUR WORDS: Doritos Locos Venison Tacos

2. SINKHOLE ALLEY CONTINUES TO DEVASTATE ITSELF. WITH SINKHOLES. Weird!

I think we all remember back in late February when the EARTH OPENED UP AND SWALLOWED AN ENTIRE HOUSE in Seffner, Florida. In Hillsborough County. The County also known as SINKHOLE ALLEY. Well, it’s happening again. Aw, heck! Really?! I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. Employees have been forced to evacuate a Bob Evans in Seffner as a precautionary measure while the local Fire Rescue team does extensive ground testing to determine the structural vulnerability of the building. It’s like watching a redneck-themed episode of Fringe. And it also begs the question: Why does one move to a place called “Sinkhole Alley”?

3. THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP… IS DRINKING BEER AND GETTING ANOTHER DUI!

Congratulations to this Florida Man, Philip P. Jordon, on his 8th DUI since 1975! After catching the attention of the KFC drive-thru staff in Ocala, an officer dropped his chicken and promptly pulled Jordan over. As calm as a cucumber, surrounded by empty beer cans and bottles and reeking of booze, Jordan explained to the officer that he drinks beer every morning to wake up. And THEN he drives around and shit. That ain’t no crime!

4. NAKED FLORIDA WOMAN JUMPS ON CAR IN SOUTH FLORIDA

Spoiler Alert!

(She eventually got off the car.)

5. SCHOOL NURSE GETS DUI: USES WORST EXCUSE EVER

The Nurse is OUT!

When cops pulled Florida Woman, Noreen Freeman, over in her school parking lot for reckless driving, she said- oh, man. This is a real groaner. She said she wasn’t feeling well. Doh!

6. THE FUCKING BEAR STORY

“Officials say the bear did not pose a threat to residents.” –NBC Miami

That’s the tagline of an article entitled, “Bear Wanders Through Downtown Orlando Neighborhood’.

And here’s the recommended link included in the article:

WOMAN ATTACKED BY BEAR WHILE PROTECTING DOG

Well done!

7. FLORIDA + FASHION = TOILET PAPER WEDDING DRESS 

Competing for the prestigious crown and title of  “Queen” in the Toilet Paper Wedding Dress Contest (?), Florida Woman & fashion designer claims her inspiration for the design was “CREATING MOVEMENT”.

GROSS.

8. ANOTHER ONE BITES THE BUTT

Florida Man bites the shit out of his wife’s butt and gets arrested. Yep!

9. THE BUCKET LIST

Bucket List!

There’s really no better way to celebrate a 30-year-old friendship than crossing off something from your Bucket List. And nothing says BUCKET LIST like two Florida Women sneaking beef jerky and bathing suits out of their local Walmart! To be fair, they only intended to steal the jerky. But then they decided they’d wanted to go for a swim (probably another item on their Bucket List)- but they didn’t have any swimsuits… So they stole them too and made their list less Bucket-y!

10. SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED SOME KOOL-AID, BURGERS & WEED

Naturally, you should call 911 80 times and repeatedly demand they bring you some. And that’s exactly what this Florida Man did. And then he went to jail. OOPS.

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