On May 6th, 2013, Joe Francis, founder of the prestigious ‘Girls Gone Wild’ empire, was convicted of falsely imprisoning and assaulting three young women after a fancy party in Los Angeles. But they were just having fun, guys! They just forgot, you know… about the fun part!
Joe Francis, like any seasoned philanthropist, merely wanted to bless those fine ladies with the presence of his impressively huge dick. Obviously! “It’s been widely reported my penis is huge, but look, I have nothing to prove,” claimed Joe in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter.
Apparently, his dick isn’t the only things that’s HUGE. Joe can tell you a thing-or-two about the judicial system…
“Only the stupidest of the stupidest people end up on juries, you know? I’ve never met a smart person who’s done jury duty.”
And the results of such gross inadequacies…
“I want that jury to know that each and every one of you are mentally fucking retarded and you should be euthanized because, as Darwin said, you have naturally selected yourself,” he shouts. “You are the weakest members of the herd. Goodbye! And if that jury wants to convict me because I didn’t show up, which is the only reason why they did, then, you know, they should all be lined up and shot!”
WHOA! He didn’t mean that. Really, he just can’t control his BIG ASS BRAIN. He even released a formal apology to the press, and that takes GUTS.
“I want to apologize to all the jurors, the court, the City Attorney and my attorneys for my comments that were manipulated by the media, and please know I am truly ashamed of my comments and how they were taken out of context. I am truly, truly sorry. I hope everyone will understand I was not being serious and that I fully and deeply apologize for my remarks.”
Man, he’s really good at apologizing!
Not only did he apologize for making those comments but he also apologized for everyone else who took those comments out of context. What a guy! It’s kind of like how my awesome ex-boyfriend never apologized for what he did specifically but always took it to the next level of apologizing, saying things like, “I’m sorry you’re upset about that.” or “I’m sorry you’re mad.” I always loved that! Joe Francis clearly possesses those same super-empathic powers!
So, I guess it’s official! All of you news-hungry journalists walking around with your tales between your legs… feeling the deep regret of impetuously quoting him directly- Don’t beat yourselves up! You can finally rest in peace knowing that Mr. Joe Francis has generously apologized for EVERYONE. And that means YOU.