ATTN: BROOKLYN! EAT BACON. LIVE FOREVER.

Ladies, it’s time to say goodbye to your daytime SPF moisturizers, night creams, whitening toners, and overpriced yeast-strand miracle water. You’re wasting your money. All you really need to do is eat some extra crispy bacon every morning and you’ll live FOREVER. Or, at least till you’re a hundred years old.

How did I uncover this life-changing beauty tip? Refinery 29? Health Magazine? An esthetician at the Aveda Institute? Nope. Actually, all of the credit goes to the lovely and effervescent Pearl Cantrell, a 105-year-old lady from Texas who swears that bacon is the key to living a long, healthy life. Possibly forever. Does she have proof? No, not really. But she IS really fucking old. And, she looks GOOD. AM I RIGHT, GUYS?

“She won’t give the credit to a face cream or hand lotion or anything like that,’’ says granddaughter Vanessa Jones. “Bacon is probably her real true answer.’’

Cate Blanchett, it’s time to rip up that 20-year contract you have with SK-ii and start riding around on the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile! 

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