Ever start seeing/dating someone and you ask when their birthday is and they’re like, “Next week!” or “Tomorrow!” THE WORST. Oh, man. What are you supposed to do with that information? It’s too early to make a big deal. But it’s also rude not to do anything. To help people in this predicament, I’ve made a list of guidelines!
What TO do:
-Wish them “Happy Birthday!” with your voice. By that, I mean you should make it a point to CALL them, especially if you’re not going to SEE them. In addition, you can post on their Facebook wall OR text them while you’re at work. And if you do- keep it simple, folks! No longwinded or overtly affectionate Facebook posts. “Happy Bithday!” is just enough to say you care without saying, “YOU’RE MINE AND ONLY MINE.”
-Buy ‘em food.
-Buy ‘em booze.
-Get ‘em drunk.
-Fuck the living crap out of them and do whatever the nastiest shit is you’re willing to do in order to make them happy. It’s their birthday, after all!
What NOT to do:
-DO NOT buy them a card.
-DO NOT buy them a non-perishable gift, i.e. anything besides food or booze.
-DO NOT plan a surprise party for them.
-DO NOT be offended if they already have something planned and there’s not enough tickets or space in the car or whatever to bring you along. You weren’t planned for. It doesn’t mean you’re not special.