FEAR & MEDIA: Hundreds or Thousands of Panties? Next week, it’ll be MILLIONS

THE PANTY RIDDLER!

Another spectacle, another historic day in journalism. Yesterday, The Associated Press posted yet another groundbreaking story. This mystifying headline-worthy piece of “news” concerned piles of unclaimed panties that some bored rednecks found on the side of the road, by trees and on a hillside somewhere in Ohio. Nobody knows where the panties came from, or what message the panty-droppers are trying to send. It’s the riddle of all puzzles!

Overnight, the story blew up… as all gritty and hard-hitting news will expectedly do. But there are some discrepancies in these stories. Today I’ve read over twenty articles concerning these “mystery panties” (it’s my day off, don’t judge me) and I’m having a hard time separating the truth from conjecture.

For example:
ArabNews.com says it was “hundreds of panties of mostly women’s underwear” whereas, The Daily Mail claims it was actually “thousands of pairs of women’s panties” that were dumped on the side of the road. First of all, MOSTLY women’s underwear? How did they find out? Did they inspect each individual pair of panties? Gross. But what I really want to know is, what are the real numbers behind the suspiciously proliferating panties?

I have a feeling it was hundreds of panties, not thousands. But the fear mongering media just can’t resist any opportunity to exaggerate the facts in order to terrify the feeble minds of backwoods idiots who- well, who are apparently the kind of people who are seriously disturbed by panties being dumped on the side of the road for no good reason. Because it could happen to anyone. It could happen to YOU. On your way to work, on your daily jog- you might find panties. NOBODY IS SAFE.

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