Yes, I didn’t see that movie

“Oh, man. Don’t you hate it when people lie about having seen movies?!”

No. I don’t hate it. Actually, I’m often the culprit in this stale scenario. Yes, I’ll be at some crappy bar, having another tired conversation with some lameass dope. Just when I’m sure we’re both comfortable boring the crap out of each other, they’ll start the dreaded “Hey, have you ever seen/heard the stupid crap I like?” conversation. I fail spectacularly in these situations.

They’re like, “Hey, have you seen Under Siege?”
And I’m all, “Yeah.”
And they’re like, “Oh yeah?! So, what’s your favorite part?!!”
Then I’m all, “It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen it. I forget.”
And they’ll say something along the lines of, “LIAR!”

So what? I’ll be the first to admit it. I am a big fan of lying about stupid crap- when trapped in the confines of a casual conversation with no potential meaning or consequence. When a scenario like the aforementioned presents itself, I try to seem agreeable and say something like, “Yes. I saw your crappy favorite movie and, yes, I’ve also listened to that stupid band you love so hard.” And then I snore as the slug fills me in on the inane details of his favorite shit until I find a good excuse to abort the mission. Because, as I’m sure that others who’ve found themselves in this type of conversation have learned- uh, the B Side of this discussion can easily turn out to be way more uncomfortable.

For example, if I were to say, “NO. NO, I HAVE NOT SEEN THAT MOVIE.”

Christ. It’s an instant conversation killer. And it always ends up the same way, with the jerk saying something in return like, “Oh yeah? Well, you should. It’s only, like, the best movie ever made.”

Right.

Out of sheer amusement(with myself) I often choose to lie about it instead! It keeps things interesting(for me). It also keeps me AWAKE.

And even though I’ve actually done nothing horribly wrong by lying about something so painfully insipid, somehow it always leaves me feeling slightly dirty and surprisingly awkward. Because, come on. I’m surprisingly defensive- even when I’m lying and deserve to suffer the consequences should it all go awry. Also, when I’m riding a wave in a conversation and someone tries to throw me a moronic curve ball? Well, I can only assume it’s in preparation for attack, and that they’re trying measure my intellectual and social strength with fruitless banter. They also probably want to sleep with me. And I’ll intellectually swing dicks, even when I have no idea what I’m talking about.

The “highly unlikely” scenario:

Let’s suppose I have in fact actually seen the stupid movie or heard the stupid song or band crap they’re talking about. As “left of the dial” and unique as the interrogator thought they were in mentioning their rare finds, they’ll instantly feel challenged by my knowledge of it. Maybe even threatened! Or maybe they’ll fall in love with me? Or try to sleep with me. Or be best friends? Or something else equally as gay.

The “way more plausible” version:

In the event I don’t know what the hell this boring idiot is talking about (often the case) an opportunity will present itself, posing questions like:

A) Does this asshole weirdo, destined to be alone, care that I haven’t seen or heard it?
B) Do they feel privileged, the fine losers they are, to be the first person to present me with this life-changing pearl of entertainment they obviously assume I will appreciate as much as they do?
C) Do I immediately fail the conversation due to my lack of obscure irrelevant knowledge?
D) Do they really think they’re compelling?

Answers to all of the above would just annoy the crap out of me because I don’t really care.

I do like to confuse people. That’s one thing I do know. Especially in public, when someone’s openly judging me based on the stupid crap I like or know about. Listen, I’ve got other things going on. And I’m way too busy wasting beers to know everything out there that’s worth watching or listening to. I’m still quoting The Big Lebowski and listening to The Bends. Deal with it. I loathe the dense assholes who respond to my lack of Vh1 Clip Show knowledge with, “You haven’t seen ——?!” OR “You haven’t heard ——?!” which is inevitably followed by the dreaded,“No, really?! REALLY?!!! You have got to be kidding me!”

I’m not kidding. Although, that would have been a real knee slapper. Asshole. I‘d prefer listening to a couple of pretentious unemployed dicks talking about the superior quality and complexities of vinyl for three hours then have to continue this worn back-and-forth. I’m really sorry I missed out on the piddley crap you saw or listened to twenty years ago “before it was even cool” or whatever. I didn’t. I haven’t. And I probably won’t. I have no idea what you’re talking about. I guess I’ve just been too busy all this time forging lasting relationships with worthwhile people, doing interesting crap, and humiliating myself. And other various misadventures, all of which seem way more viable. For me, at least. I’m writing about them anyway. So, leave me alone, FAN OF STUFF. I am a fan of what casually presents itself to me, thank you. You will get nowhere smooshing your favorite movie/music crap in my face. Because I am probably zoning out, and because I am inherently lazy. All you’re succeeding at, sir, is inspiring me to debate something based on worthless particulars I am not privy to. Let it GO. I mean, one of us should.

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