You haven’t heard me yell, young lady!

“People who yell at others — and especially parents who yell at children — reflect a complete inability to express themselves in any meaningful, thoughtful, useful or constructive way.” Jason, Washington, DC


I was perusing the Fashion & Style section of The New York Times and came across an article entitled “For Some Parents, Shouting Is the New Spanking” and decided to read it, against my better judgment. I am frequently told by the people closest to me that I yell and “get a tone” with them, and it hurts their feelings and offends them or whatever. Anyway, over the years it’s been a real problem. So, I thought this article might potentially offer some impressive insight or provide cutting edge psychological data and relevant conclusions that I could share with my friends- and prove them all wrong. But, nope! It basically just confirms everything my friends and loved ones have ever told me about myself.

I guess I really am a prick!

At some point, every person I’ve gotten close to in my life has felt it necessary to have a confrontation with me about a specific problem they have with my personality: that I yell or “get a tone” with them on a regular and abusive basis.

After which, one of the three following scenarios will unfold:

1. Their honesty brings us closer and it strengthens our friendship! (they accept it and I do nothing)
2. They give me an ultimatum and a time constraint. Boo! (they don’t accept it and I still do nothing)
3. They proceed to sever all ties with me, illustrating for me in great (and meticulous!) detail the myriad “personality quirks” I possess… all of which I casually ignore… and how all of which are grounds for why I will never find true love or happiness with anyone in this world- other than myself. Boring! (they don’t accept it and I am expected to do nothing. yes!)

For the record, I don’t yell. Yes, I may change my tone a bit. Sure. Guilty as charged. But I am not an animal- I am not a beast. I am an adult. And a lady (…). And I suppose I might occasionally employ “subtle alterations” in my vocal inflections in order to convey my constant and irreparable dissatisfaction with the people around me, or when responding to whatever and anything I disagree with or have a slight distaste for, to varying degrees. But that doesn’t mean I’m not still a truly great person with a heart of gold.

You know that whole “if they write about it in The New York Times, then it must be true” thing? Well, I don’t. I don’t actually know if that is a thing. But it sounds like it definitely could be a thing. And if it is, in fact, a thing- well- I am not in support of that ignorant cliché, thank you (insert “tone”), especially when it does not directly apply to me (the article was technically about shitty parents and their obnoxious kids) OR lend me an advantage in an ongoing argument regarding my dubious character flaws.


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